A Birthmother, An Adoptive Mother — Together… For Good

“But for proof, you must look at your own longings and aspirations, you must listen to the deep themes of your own life story” (Gerald May).

I used to try and understand how an all-knowing, all-powerful God could see Eve’s (and then Adam’s) sin in the Garden of Eden and design a plan through His Son Jesus to redeem mankind — reconciling them to Himself. Not only that, but He didn’t just die for the sins that were committed prior to that dark day in Jerusalem, but any and all sin that occurred after the day of His death. God’s plan for atonement covered ALL sin. He saw the past, the present, and the future from that painful position on the cross. And “Man made flesh” — Who dwelt among humankind physically for thirty-three years… Who’d been with man since “the beginning” (John 1) and Who’s been with us ever since (from “everlasting to everlasting…”) — reconciled the beginning and the end, as well as everything in between (as far as sin is concerned) in a span of about half a dozen hours. Less than an average day’s work. All sin was nailed to the cross and seen from Heaven. And somehow, mystery of mysteries, all things now work “together for good” — for those who love Him and are walking with Him, according to His plan.

This truth wasn’t, to me, tangible in any way. I couldn’t hold it  in my hands and make any sense of it. It was one of those “by faith alone” things… to believe without seeing. Without understanding. How could God take sin and make something good come from it? Yet, Paul’s letter to the Romans (8:28) tells us this is so.

“And we know that God works all things together for good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

When, in the early 1990s, I was struggling to come to terms with the harsh reality that, void a miracle, I would probably never have a baby, I wondered… “How can God work THIS together for good?” Little did I know then but there was, at that exact time, a sweet, shy 13-year old girl in South Carolina who was dreaming dreams — big dreams… of one day becoming an attorney. Fighting injustice. Solving problems. Helping people. She wasn’t plotting to disobey her parents… to rebel against their rules. She wasn’t planning to get pregnant out of wedlock. But God knew. And when I prayed and pleaded, asking Him to help me understand how infertility could possibly be a part of His will for my life… how the death of the dream for children could possibly be part of His plan — “to prosper me and not harm me” (Jer. 29:11) — He quietly, yet firmly reassured me that He was in control. Yes, of even this. Would I trust Him? Could I come to say of myself, “I’m blessed in my barrenness”? Would I walk — even when the way before me was unclear and the future unknown — with joy? I would be a mother one day. He showed me over and over and over again. Though I would wait, I could wait with hope.

Yes, God saw me. He cared for my hurt. And He saw a sweet girl named Cindy, too. He cared for her also… loved her just as much. Yet, it would be her choices in years to come — sinful as they were in light of what God’s Word says about obedience to one’s parents and sexual intimacy outside of marriage — that would lead to the fulfillment of a promise, God’s promise that I would one day be a mother… His promise to work “all things together for good…”

On May 12, 1992, God spoke to my heart. May 12, 1993, He spoke again. And again on May 12, 1994… and so on through the years. May 12th became a significant date, and each year God said something that confirmed His promise in my life.

In late May 1996, God led me to a passage in Genesis that tells of Abraham’s encounter with three “strangers.” One of the men says to him, “By this time next year, Sarah will give you a son” (Gen. 18:10).

When I read this, I said, “What, God? Are you saying that ‘by this time next year’ I’ll give Bill a son… a child?” And it was as if I heard Him say, “What was May 12th this year, only about a week ago?” Sure enough,  it had been Mother’s Day. I just knew I was soon to become a mother myself!

Bill and I were preparing to move from Lexington, KY to Greenville, SC for Bill to begin a 5-year residency program there. The biblical characters Abraham (Abram) and Sarah (Sarai) offered encouragement to me because they, too, had left all that was familiar and had gone to an unknown place in obedience to God’s call. I found comfort, as well, in the words from Ps. 113:9.

“He settles the barren woman in her home and makes her a happy mother of children.” 

As we packed up to move, I did so with joy — believing that the fulfillment of God’s promise was close at hand. There was joy in the journey — even when the path led to an unknown land!

We settled into our new home in Simpsonville, SC, just outside of Greenville. Bill started his residency, and I set up a classroom for my 3rd graders. All the while, I remembered God’s words, “… by this time next year…” spoken in 1996. Surely 1997 would bring the waiting to an end!

As May 12th, 1997 approached, a dear friend who’d journeyed with me all those years asked, “What if nothing happens this year? What if May comes and goes with no pregnancy… no baby? What then?”

I just remember telling her, “Even then, I know that one day, even if not until Heaven, I’ll understand. I must walk by faith.”

And May did come and go. No baby. No pregnancy. I prayed and asked God to revive my broken heart… calm my fears and doubts… hold His child. And He did. As always, He held me. And my faith grew despite the unmet longing within me.

Bill and I decided to wait out the rest of 1997, but in the new year, we felt released to begin pursuing adoption. The summer passed. Then autumn. I was teaching a group of 5th graders by this time. I told them often about my desire for a child… told them how they were a blessing to me in my waiting.

Christmas came and went. And then, it was New Years Day. The following day, January 2nd, was a Friday. I wasted no time. I met with a woman named Carri Uram who is the founder and director of an adoption ministry in Greenville called The Special Link. This ministry, too, had been birthed from pain and loss. Carri and her husband Mike had two biological children and had had a third — John. When he was seven weeks of age, he passed away from SIDS. The Urams were heartbroken, but over time, they decided to try again to conceive. This time, however, they were unable to get pregnant. Though discouraged, God used this trial in their lives to bring forth His plan — and an adoption ministry was born. Carri and Mike came to realize that there was a need for adoptive families for biracial and African American children in their area… but they had no way of knowing how God would use this ministry to touch lives from coast to coast. (For more information, go to www.speciallink.org.)

(Pictured here are Carri Uram, on the left, and a dear friend Nancy.)

As Carri and I shared our stories that Friday, a peace settled in my heart. She and her husband had two adopted biracial children, as well as their two biological. They were a beautiful “blended” family, and her testimony of purpose from pain helped me see the faithfulness of God in a more tangible manner. In her life, He truly had worked “all things together for good…“

I left that day with a full mind and heart. God was moving. I could feel it. And in the days ahead, Bill and I worked with a “peaceful” urgency to prepare a room for a baby, create a “birthmother” portfolio, and fill out stacks of papers for attorneys and adoption agencies. But yes! There was indeed joy in the journey!

In late January, only about two and a half weeks after that initial meeting, I received a call from Carri. There was a birthmother who wanted to meet us. She was due in less than two weeks and had planned on parenting her baby until a friend had heard an ad for The Special Link on the radio. This friend then told Cindy about this ministry — how she could pick out a mom and dad for her baby and even receive photos and letters from the adoptive family. This offered her the hope she needed to move forward with placing her much-loved child. Cindy contacted Carri, and Carri called us. A meeting with an attorney in Columbia, where Cindy was a Freshman at the University of SC, was arranged. Bill and I drove the two hours there on that Friday, talking about the possibility that this baby might be ours.

Really? Could it be?

When Cindy walked into the room, I knew. She carried within her our son. Behind her swollen abdomen, nestled snug and warm, was the Gift for whom we’d been waiting. Cindy was shy, and her eyes were hidden by bangs that hung low. But I could see beyond, to the love in those eyes… selfless love, as well as a desire to offer a life for her unborn son that she knew she was unable to provide. I loved her immediately. Before the night ended, papers were signed and another meeting was arranged — this time, a doctor’s appointment where a biological mother and an adoptive mother would come together to see Life on a screen. Dorian “Ian” Samuel — “gracious Gift from God for whom I prayed” — was due in early February.

And, timely as he is to this day (like his birthmother), Ian arrived on schedule — Tuesday, February 3, 1998 around 3:15 PM. Bill and I were in the delivery room, and Bill cut the cord. Two mothers shared this child in the few days in the hospital that followed. Cindy never wavered in her decision, and my love for her grew by leaps and bounds. She was giving us — truly — a very part of herself. I was overwhelmed with love, not just for my little boy but for this young woman who was sacrificing that my deepest longings might be fulfilled. It was too much for me to fully comprehend. Honestly, it still is.

We talked a lot — dreamed together. What would this little boy grow up to be? What special gifts would he possess? In our sharing, I told the story of waiting… how God had promised me a child way back in 1992. I explained how May 12th had been a significant date in the faith journey over the years. It was then that Cindy told me more about her relationship with Ian’s birthfather, her boyfriend her Senior year in high school — despite her parents’ disapproval. She told me, too, that Ian’s conception date had to have been on or very near May 12th, 1997 — that she knew this with certainty.

And then, I knew. I understood all that God had spoken in the years prior. And that our God is indeed a good and faithful Father. He speaks His truths. His promises are firm.

When He said in May 1996, “… by this time next year Sarah will give you a son…” it wasn’t me giving Bill a son. God was speaking to me. Someone else would give me a son. I was the recipient of this gracious Gift. Cindy — Cindy Abrams (Yes, that was her maiden name!) — was the giver. Ian’s life literally began in Cindy’s womb in May 1997 (on or near May 12th) — and God had already called me the “mother” of this unborn baby. In His infinite wisdom, He knew.

“For I know the plans I have for you… to give you a future and a hope, to prosper and not harm you” (Jer. 29:11).

(This photo was taken shortly after Ian’s birth on 2/3/98 — depicting a birthmother’s great love! We love YOU, sweet Cindy!)

When Cindy married Maxx in 2011, Ian stood as their Best Man. I was honored to be Cindy’s Matron of Honor, and Jacob was the Ring Bearer. I sang a song called “Look What Love Has Done” — and though it was for Cindy and Maxx, I couldn’t help but think of all that she means to me and all that her love has done when I sang…

“Where once each breath was just a sigh of aching emptiness

Where once I hardly felt the beating in my chest

Now each breath feels like a precious kiss of life

Now inside me beat the wings of a thousand butterflies

Look what love has done to me

Look what love has done

This must be how it’s meant to be

Look what love has done

And my heart is dancing through each day

My soul is running free

Look what love has done to me”

(Jaci Velasquez)

Yes, look what Love has done! I know with certainty that, despite all the calamity and chaos in this world, our God is a loving God. (He IS Love!) And I’ve personally seen His goodness and faithfulness through two more adoptions (Jacob’s and Allie’s stories to come!), and yes — even through two failed adoptions. (Those stories also to come — one day.) God used Cindy mightily in my life… in our lives! Her little-girl dreams to “fight injustice, solve problems, and help people” came true. In her own beautiful way, she’s fought to overcome the injustices of racial discrimination in our society and has certainly helped countless people as she’s worked alongside Carri Uram at The Special Link — empathetically offering counsel to other birthmothers, as well as providing assistance for adoptive couples as a social worker. Furthermore, Cindy has worked long hours with Hospice — caring tenderly for the terminally ill and dying.

On this eve of another Mother’s Day, I pause and reflect. So many ‘stones of remembrance.’ They remind me to look back… to ponder all that God has done in my life. When He spoke to my heart in May 1992 and as He continued to speak throughout all those years that followed, I learned to trust, even in the dark places. I learned to say “I am blessed! And yes, even in my barrenness, the journey can be fruitful.” The joy of the Lord was and is my strength. He is the Giver of all good and precious gifts.

The greatest of such Gifts is Jesus, Whom God sent to save the world from sin. I no longer try to fully comprehend the mystery of all that happened when He hung upon the cross; I’m just eternally grateful for what He did for me. The reconciliation that occurred in those six hours is a miracle. Plain and simple. But so many things in this beautiful world are just that, despite the reality that pain and suffering exist, as well. Contrary to what people may think, all the sadness and despair and suffering in this world are not caused by God. He grieves over the fallen state of the earth. Such was NOT His intent. But because He gave mankind freedom to choose and because we chose a different plan — a path contrary to His best — this sphere’s been reeling ever since.

It’s a gracious, loving God who, despite all the sin which leads to pain and suffering, still creates a sunset. A rose bud. A caterpillar-turned-butterfuly. All miracles! And yes, I’ve held a Miracle  — three Miracles — in my arms. Each of them, tangible. When a young woman cried out in anguish, pleading with God to help her make sense of the pain in her life, He answered. He saw from His Heavenly vantage point a young girl named Cindy who was dreaming big dreams. And He even knew of her future decisions which would lead to her own suffering. After all, that’s what happens when one chooses to walk outside of God’s very best. It’s called sin. Yet, He graciously saw her sin and suffering and used it — even spanning years — to answer this grown-up “little girl’s” prayers for a child. Yes, He was working “all things together for good…”

And, with joy, I lift my hands and give Him praise, saying…

“He turned my wailing into dancing; He removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy that I might sing to Him and not be silent. O Lord, I will give You thanks forever” (Ps. 30:11, 12).

Because of His love and because of His goodness, He works to make all things right. To take our suffering and yes, even our sin — and make something beautiful from it.

Beauty from brokenness…

Cindy and I know this. One young woman’s choices led to the answer to another’s most fervent prayers. And so, we, too, are worked “together… for good” — joined by a little boy who is now a  young man. And all because we love God and are called according to His purposes.

Soli Deo Gloria

“Though weeping endures for the night, joy comes in the morning” (Ps. 30:5).