Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby

I haven’t seen her face since she was one day old, though I’ve thought of it often — wondering what she would look like. Would her smile be crooked? Would her eyes squint up like little half-moons when she laughs?

Does she laugh in Heaven?

I think she does.

Today’s her birthday — Sweet 16. But she’s not driving a car. Wearing lip gloss. Shopping with friends. Not even arguing with her parents.

Still, I’m sure she’s celebrating — Heaven-style! With Jesus, no doubt. And with angels.

I only had the privilege to hold sweet little Devon Mara-Leigh for one day. She was born on May 18th in Columbia, SC, and on May 19th, I returned home to Greenville with an empty infant seat. With empty arms.

I remember that long drive home from the hospital — though I must have driven with my knees because I know my fists flew as they shook towards the heavens. (And it’s a wonder I could see at all through the tears.)

“Why?”

“Why?”

“Why?”

We’d been so sure, Bill and I. Crazy as it seemed, with a 3-month old baby boy and Bill in only his second (and most difficult) year of residency. Still, we thought we heard. And we obeyed.

“Trust and obey

For there’s no other way

To be happy in Jesus

Than to trust and obey…”

This familiar tune ran often through my mind from late April, 1998 — when we said “Yes” to the adoption of a baby girl due in mid-May — until Devon’s birth on May 18th.

“They’ll almost be like twins,” people would say. “Dorian and Devon — sounds like it’s meant to be.”

And it did.

It was. 

Or, so we thought…

Everything was in place — papers signed… a room made ready… the extra car seat… LOTS of baby girl clothes… LOADS of diapers.

My church had thrown us a shower — everyone excited about me becoming the mommy of a girl. I practically drowned in pink frill — booties, dresses, onesies, and bibs.

Precious, little handmade things too — knitted sweaters and blankets. All given with love. So many bursting, sharing our joy!

The empty infant seat mocked me — tugging at the jagged edges of this fresh, raw wound.

She was supposed to be ours. My daughter. Bill’s too. Ian’s sister. Our parents’ grand baby — this little girl.

Still, none of the justifying… no logical argument would bring her back. She wasn’t ours. She wasn’t mine.

The piece of paper — a signed intent — was just that… an intent. Still, a birthmother’s decision to place her child with another — no matter the good or pure or perfect intent — can only be as certain as all the uncertainties she feels PRIOR to seeing that little one in the flesh. Counting her toes. Touching his skin. Kissing his or her little hands.

The best of intentions can be scattered to the wind the moment a mother holds flesh of her flesh. Bone of her bone.

Because of love. 

And no matter the sincerity she felt when she hand-shook or even hugged a potential adoptive mother — it still must be the most difficult thing she’s ever been called to do.

And sometimes, despite the best of intentions, it simply can NOT be done.

The empty infant seat reminded me, “You were this little one’s prospective mom. She’s her biological mom. She just couldn’t say good-bye. You love her, but she loves her too.”

And that’s just it.

It’s love…

Love breaks the heart.

Love heals, over time.

Love takes…

And love gives.

Love lets go.

Love holds on.

Love remembers.

Love remembers. 

And so today — on her Sweet 16th birthday — I remember this little one who was mine, if only for a day… though she’d been mine for longer in my heart. As I wrote in her baby book prior to her birth…

“…Although you have not yet arrived, and even though you are not growing and moving inside of me, you are still ours — your daddy’s and mine… destined by God to be our little girl — our beautiful and precious Treasure — chosen for us and yes, by us. I cannot wait to meet you… to hold you… to love you — forever!…”

Yes, I remember you today, Sweet Devon Mara-Leigh…

With a mother’s love.

(Less than two months after she was born, we received word that little Devon had passed into eternity — the cause of death unknown. She is indeed celebrating this day — and EVERY day — with Sweet Jesus!)